Hurtin'
by unspokenmind
Summary: It's been years since the civil war, since all of Castiel's mistakes, but even with no grace, Cas continues to punish himself. What makes life bearable is his two friends, joints he doesn't even want to smoke and his music.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Supernatural, the fictional characters, K'naan and his song People Like Me.  
**Summary**: It's been years since the civil war, since all of Castiel's mistakes, but even with no grace, Cas continues to punish himself. What makes life bearable is his two friends, joints he doesn't even want to smoke and his music.  
**Word count**: 1,978

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_''And if you ask me now would I repeat it, would I fight in a war I don't believe in?'' – K'naan_

* * *

Castiel didn't like rock, simple as that. The first time Dean had found out, he was pissed. They had finished up a tough hunt and Dean was blasting his music for relaxation, but it was bringing Cas the opposite feeling.

So, Cas had kindly asked Dean to turn off the music or at least lower the volume.

''What, you don't like my music?'' Dean said, nonchalantly. ''As a matter of fact, I don't.'' Cas had responded just as calmly as Dean – not expecting a scene while he was looking out of the window.

But when Cas heard Sam gasp in the backseat of the car, he knew he had hit a soft spot. He glanced back at Sam who was just slowly shaking his head and once again he knew, he had gone too far.

''What do you mean you don't?'' Dean spluttered, his gaze tearing away from the road to pin an angry stare straight at Cas. Again, Cas was looking back at Sam, internally screaming for his help.

Cas knew though that there was nothing Sam could do. After all, there was a reason why after so many years Sam didn't even bother to change the music – ever. ''I asked you a question!'' Dean spat, impatiently waiting for Cas.

''Dean,'' Sam tried to chime in, trying to break this little fit of his brother before things got too serious. ''Shut up, Sam!'' Sam rolled his eyes at Dean's hysterical, overreacting response and already giving up.

''It annoys me,'' Cas tried to explain. He was caught at the crossroads, either tell Dean and get it over with after his minutes, maybe even hours long anger or just try to explain that rock was fine, just not his favorite music.

He later realized that it was too late to take it back. Dean was already – like Sam used to say – throwing a fit, and it might've been ridiculous, but rock music was one of the things Dean _really_ cared about.

Finding out that his best friend, just like his brother, didn't like it that much, was a tiny bit heartbreaking.

After an hour on the road with Sam asleep in the backseat, Cas and Dean were still bickering and going on about music. They had gotten to a conclusion that apparently, Cas didn't _hate_ rock. There were some songs that he actually really liked, but it still wasn't his favorite genre.

It wasn't supposed to upset Dean as much as it did, but it still did.

''Tell me, though,'' Dean said, his voice and words having grown calmer and quieter when he realized his sleeping, little brother looking beat in the backseat. ''Why don't you tell me your favorite genre?''

Dean had tried getting the answer out of Cas, but Cas was stubborn. He shook his head, bit his lip and continued to decline when Dean was continuously asking him for his favorite genre.

''C'mon, man. Why won't you tell me?'' Dean was almost begging. It was getting pathetic at this point, Dean knew, but the couldn't give up. Neither of them could. Cas glanced at Dean, a goofy smile growing on his face. ''Because you'd judge.'' was his simple reply.

Dean shook his head. ''I know I take my music seriously, and I have been screaming my throat hoarse for the past hour, but I won't judge, I'm serious. C'mon, jus' lemme know,'' Dean tried again.

Cas actually started laughing at Dean's eagerness and need to know. The feelings of guilt from the tough hunt was only a dull ache under the surface, Cas was silently thanking Dean for that.

''I'm not gonna tell you.'' Cas was smiling, turns out, this was entertaining too. Dean rolled his eyes. ''You're unbelievable,'' Dean sighed. Cas could sense the agony of Dean not knowing, how it was _actually _bothering him.

''I don't judge people by their music taste, you know,'' Cas said, growing more serious. Dean reacted to the sudden change of tone and tried to keep his eyes on the road. ''It's silly, I know. I mean, you'll absolutely hate the music I listen to.''

Before Dean could interrupt and tell Cas otherwise, Cas continued. ''Trust me, I know you. Been around for a while to know how you feel about music, Dean Winchester.'' Cas was being gentler, once again, much to Dean's relief.

For a split second, Dean gave in to his habit and drew his gaze away from the road to look at the person sitting in the passenger seat – it would usually be Sam, but both brothers decided to be nicer on Cas and let him ride shotgun once in a while.

Cas was smiling from ear to ear. ''I like rap,'' Cas confessed. Of course, Dean didn't quite believe him. Dean smiled back at his friend though. ''Yeah, right,'' Dean let out. ''I'm serious,'' Cas remarked.

Once again, Dean was throwing a quick glance past his shoulder. ''You_ are_ being serious.'' Cas just nodded.

They went on for a while longer about the whole music thing, until Sam woke up and Dean pulled over at a restaurant for the three of them to fill their empty stomaches. Even at the restaurant, they still talked about it. Turned out, Dean wasn't judging. Honestly.

For some reason, the music Cas chose to listen to meant as much to him as rock did to Dean. Cas explained, however, that he didn't listen to it much. He told Dean that he often listened to not so famous rappers.

Dean wasn't aware of any rappers – famous or not famous, apart from one or two he heard when he was back in high school.

''It's kinda like poems,'' Cas had explained, while shoving a fork full of pasta in to his mouth. ''I like it. I mean the ones that bring up real life issues. Not the misogynic one.'' Which Dean would've already known.

So later that night, when they finally got to the bunker, Cas let Dean know his favorite song. It had a catchy tone, Dean would say that and it _was_ poetic and it _did_ bring up real life issues.

Dean thought that the song was still a bit ironic for Cas. His favorite song turned out to be called People Like Me by K'naan and the hook went: _Heaven, is there a chance that you could come down and open doors to hurtin' people like me._

Dean never asked Cas why it was his favorite song and he never really found out.

A year after that day of the secrets of music revelations, ex team free will was back at a hunt in a small town in New Jersey.

Their lives were… getting better. Sam was doing well. He had hooked up with a hunter who just took your breath away. Her attitude was the best and her looks were just a bonus. Dean was doing good, too. Sam was doing fine – so what more could Dean ask for?

Cas had it tougher than all of them. He wasn't even trying to hide it now. He was high a lot, much to the brothers' dismay and to Cas's own dismay as well. Asking him and trying to get him to stop was painful.

He constantly said he needed it to let go off his past. He said it give him a bizarre, but good feeling – the things which he had done, the harm that he had caused everyone he had ever love, became surreal. Almost like he had never done it. No wrongs.

It might've been years, but Cas's bad actions were still haunting him. It was getting better, but they all still had a long way to go. The brothers were there for him, they always would be.

So when Dean was dressed in his suit and headed to interview one of the shop-clerks that had seen something she claimed to be impossible and unnatural, he caught an interesting sign taped to a music store.

Apparently, they were converting CDs into cassette tapes. Usually in 21st century, they were doing the opposite, but it was exactly what Dean was looking for – even though he hadn't thought of it or been searching for it earlier.

He walked in to the store and talked to the native man who happily converted Dean's special CD containing one tune in to a cassette tape within a few minutes and all it cost him were three dollars.

Dean and Cas had finished off the hunt by the end of the night. It turned out to be that Cas was once again in his gloomy modes. The windows of the Impala were cranked down while Cas blew out the smoke in to the air.

Dean's rules of not smoking joints and having dogs in the car flew out of the window a couple of years back. ''You wanna talk about it?'' Dean asked, while watching Cas's lip around the thin joint and his deep inhalation.

He let the smoke out while shaking his head. Dean nodded, feeling the pang of pain surge in his chest. Sam was fine, the only thing Dean needed now was for Cas to also be fine…

Dean then remembered the cassette tape he had fixed earlier during the day and immediately pulled it out of his pocket. He shoved the tape in to the stereo and Cas's favorite tune started playing in the car.

They only had the CD before, the song had never before blasted in the car and it was a different feeling when it suddenly was.

Cas reacted at the music, his head turning to Dean. Cas face softened, his eyes were glowing and his lips pursed in to a thin life. He felt feelings of disbelief. Dean was only smiling back at his friend. ''You're welcome,'' Dean said, already knowing that Cas was internally and eternally thanking him.

Truth be told, Dean liked this song too. A lot. Within seconds the song was blasting and both friends were singing along to it.

_''Heaven, is there a chance that you could come down and open doors to hurtin' people like me. People like, people like me, people like me, people like me.''_

It calmed Dean. They had been through a lot, all of them and Dean still had struggles with believing in goodness, but there was that hope of heaven actually being good when, hopefully, they'd get there one day.

They continued to sing a long with Dean tapping his fingers against the wheel and Cas having his sock-clad feet up on the dashboard while smoking. Then came Cas's favorite part. The song brought him both pleasure and sorrow at the same time.

Cas was aware that Dean didn't understand how much Cas could like this song, especially when it felt so relatable for the things he wished to forget. The truth was, Cas didn't know why he liked the song either.

_''And if you ask me now would I repeat it, would I fight in a war I don't believe in?''_ Cas sang along, his head lulling against the seat while he looked at Dean. The lyrics made Cas's heart clench. Dean noticed how Cas's eyes filled with unshed tears that he always kept at bay and blinked away.

He sighed, throwing his head back, his lips not moving this time, but Dean continued. And Cas was thankful that he did. It was such small actions of Dean that made Cas love their friendship so greatly.

_''Well, the answer is, it's not me where the cancer is. They've been doing this since Jesus of Nazareth.'' _And the words that Dean sang along to was like comfort to Cas's favorite lines of the song.

The song continued to play and Cas threw the joint out of the window while turning to Dean. From the bottom of his heart, he sincerely told Dean. ''Thank you.''


End file.
